THE APPLE TREE (excerpt from Life Lessons Learned)

The full branches of green leaves and spent blossoms of the apple tree stretched way up into the blue summer sky creating ominous shadows and shapes on the hard, cold ground below me. I had climbed really high up this time, higher than I had ever ventured or been brave enough to climb before. Usually I was a typical girl, chicken, as Paul would say. Right now I wanted to climb right out of this world, out of this hole, out of this life.

“Hey! What are you doin’ up there so high?” The high pitched voice of a handsome, slightly grungy nine year old boy rang up to me, startling me. I jumped and this burst of nervousness shook the large branch that I had perched myself upon, a bird on a wire, unstable, unable to fly free.

“Leave me alone, Paul” I yelled back at him. “I just want to be alone.”

“They’re fightin’ again, aint’ they?” His face became serious and sad as he kicked the dirt with his foot. Paul knew about what went on at my house. He had seen it first hand on more than one occasion.

“Leave me alone, Paul! And don’t say ain’t” I screamed back at him.

“But, I can’t leave you alone, you dope. We’re suppose to go to the farm today, remember? Are you chickening out on me again?” He was trying really hard to act like nothing was wrong, like the day should go on anyway, in spite of the horror that could be taking place right now within the walls of the only home I had ever known.

“I’m not going.” I said firmly.

“Aww, come on, you promised. You promised me, Reanne, now come out of that stupid tree before I come up there and get you,” he wailed!

“Go away.” My words went unheeded and Paul began his quick ascent up the tree, grabbing the branches easily with his young, pale hands, laden with scraps and bruises. He reminded me of a monkey and for a brief moment I forgot what was happening. But this moment passed quickly and anger soon filled me up again. “GO AWAY,” I screamed!

“Awww, come on, you’re gonna’ fall out of this tree, break your neck and then my Paw’s gonna’ beat the crap out of me ‘cause it would be my fault. Now come down, will ya’,” he ordered.

“Go away.” I had started to cry. I hated it when I cried so I hid my face in my arms as best I could, hoping he would go away but then again, hoping he wouldn’t. Even though we venomously denied it, we loved each other, the way children do. We loved each other in the purest, most lovely, innocent way.

Paul was the youngest of four kids. His mom, an alcoholic, would take a “nap” everyday in the afternoon and rain or shine Paul was locked out of the house for at least three to four hours a day, left to fend for himself which he seemed to do just fine. So, he would come to my house or to Steve Molasic’s house who lived just down the road and wait for dinner time when he’d be allowed back in. He had it good in my eyes. If that was all he had to put up with, then he had it really good at his house.

Me, on the other hand, I typically ran away from home on a regular basis to avoid hearing my parents argue. Today was one of those days and this apple tree was my haven, my harbor, my escape and Paul was my prince charming.

“Come on, let’s go to the farm and ride some cows! Hey! That’ll cheer you up! He was trying hard to coax me down. It wasn’t working and his frustration was beginning to show.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone!” I was crying much harder now, sobbing uncontrollably in a way that made my whole body convulse and I lost my balance and fell three or four feet from the perch that I had been straddling for the last half hour, hitting my left arm on a branch as I caught myself with my legs and other arm..

“Geez, what are you trying to do.” Paul’s face turned white and he reached to catch me and lost his own balance, falling to the ground with a loud thud. “Shit!” Luckily, he was only five or six feet off the ground.

“Paul! Are you okay?” I scrambled down the tree and knelt down beside him.

“You tryin’ to kill me or what?” The fall had knocked the wind out of him and his speech was strained.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Are you okay? Is anything broken,” I asked?

“Yeah…. I’m okay you dope.”

I sat down next to him sitting Indian-style, folding my awkward legs beneath me, his legs sprawled out in front of him looking like a puppy who had just run into a wall, dazed and confused.

“Now that I almost broke my neck, can we go to the farm now?” He began to gather his pride and dust himself off and then he looked over at me. “Holy shit, you’re bleedin’ all over the place!”

I hadn’t even noticed. “Good. Maybe I’ll bleed to death and they’ll find me here under this stupid tree in a pool of blood with a smile on my face. Wouldn’t that make them sorry! I wish I could just bleed to death.” The sobbing began again.

“Don’t talk like that. You know I hate it when you talk like that.” He put his arm around my shoulders. “We’re gonna run away one day and then you won’t have to cry anymore cause I’ll protect you. I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.” There was a silence and I could hear the bluebirds, robins and sparrows singing. “We gotta get a bandaid or something for you leg and then we gotta go to the farm and have some fun. Okay?” His blue eyes caught my gaze and that strange uncomfortable feeling washed over me, painting goose bumps on my neck and arms.

“Are you okay,” I asked again, trying to divert the attention away from my sobbing.

“No, my heart is broken,” he said.

“What do you mean? Does your chest hurt,” I asked.

“Gosh, you’re a dope. You break my heart every time you cry like that and talk about killing yourself. God, girls are stupid, aren’t they.” He appeared to be quite annoyed by my total and complete “girl” ignorance. “You’re my girl, aren’t you? What, do you think I won’t take care of you?” By now, Paul had risen to his feet and stood standing over me, his shadow spilling off to the side. He reached out his little boy hand to help me to my feet. I took his hands in mine and as we stood face to face I felt a little bit better. Paul brushed off my clothes and even tried in his awkward boy way to fix my hair which was messy and tangled from neglect.

Now, because of him, I felt strong enough to try and forget again and allow my mind to think only about playing in the sun, running in the fields and hiding in the woods playing games with my closest friend, one of the few that knew my secret. We headed down the gravel road together to play at the neighbor’s farm. Paul kept looking around, like he was looking for someone and then he glanced over at me, took my hand in his, squeezing it tightly and we walked off into the possibilities of the day.

My wrist began to swell and hurt but it didn’t bother me too much because I was with Paul, right now, in this pleasant minute, and that was all I allowed myself to think about. My broken arm would still be there later when the rest of my broken life came back into focus. For now, life was good and that’s what I wanted to hang onto, like the branches of the apple tree. I could fall later but right now I was flying high like a free bird, walking down the gravel road hand in hand with prince charming.